well well well!!!

we’ve reached the end of this fine year!! thank black hole!!!

⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️

this year has exhausted me in such an aggressive way—- well, in a way that I somewhat expected—-BUT, still, the effects hit me very hard, right in the left eyeball, I think I popped a blood vessel, and my right eye is twitching. ahaha fuck!! so much so much SO MUCH has been done yet there’s still SO MUCH MORE to do. so gross!! so fun?! mentally im ready, but physically im very much so clenched. to filth. in a handbag. Prada.

I still am unsure what this blog is to me, but I have found myself wanting to write to you in these past weeks, even though I haven’t. I think im scared? I feel that isn’t the right word but I think the essence still stands. 

⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️

!!!!!!!anyway!!!!!!!

⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️

ive not been journaling/sketching for about 3 weeks now. im unsure how to feel about it still. I was once glued to my sketchbook but now in a weird way we’re kind of strangers. ill have to kindly and warmly greet her with flowers and chocolates so she doesn’t stay mad that ive been keeping to myself. maybe its not the best idea for me right now, but the distance has been nice. perhaps even needed. I will say, ive been feeling rather quiet lately. but not in a bad way. even though inside is loud, the preoccupations of everyday life (plus holidays #yuk) are very distracting and I miss my opportunities. simply too many colours. oh well. ive had many ideas and thoughts that I have felt fly away, but I accept this as a form of rest, even if I know I should be documenting the spirals. 

this year has also show me several many versions of myself, all vastly different. ive been very angry and ive been full of love and ive been grossly resentful and ive been extremely grateful. in my mind it’s so many contradictions but I know we’re complex and I know that im not alone in this somewhat overwhelming tingle. overall, I think this year has been mildly enlightening. ive drawn some important boarders with certain people in my life (whether or not they know it) and I have found that im much calmer—- even through my naturally bitchy demeanour. its tough to exist like this though, especially when I can see that these people may be hurting, but I shake myself and remember that I have put in well over my fair share of emotional investment, and now, for my own sanity, I need to recede. with these boarders I’m also living in what feels like a much more correct manner. ive been flaming very hard. very hard. extreme faggotry. but I love it!! I have the space now to indulge and enjoy doing what I enjoy without the impending comments and need for explanation. I fucking hate explaining myself. I don’t want to answer questions. I just want to be. and lately ive just been. and now im sliving. and im grateful that ive drawn the lines (even if their not super opaque).

⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️

anywho!

this up coming year I want to start sharing more things that make my taint sing, so im going to begin with my beloved album of 2023, which is Dear John Coltrane by Vanessa Daou. 

https://open.spotify.com/album/6Y5PEisUorBXNtkf1guudO?si=ZH485MzXRuq28MCu7PWbew

this album has spoken to me so intensely and I feel so parallel to it. my trajectory this year was spoken to me without me even realizing it. I love it. this album is thoughtful, experimental, sexy, and existential– a perfect recipe for my own pleasure. Ms. Daou’s discography has been a pleasure to discover this year, and I would highly recommend the music if you like it kind of jazzy. <3

⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️

well well well!! 

it appears we’ve reached the end of my spewing!! 

happy new year,

hopefully ill speak to you soon

(we’ll see)

now stop bothering me!!

I need to clean my room!! 

😩

until next time, 

🐜

⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀👠💜👠🫀🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🌨🌪🥀🌪🥀🌪🌨⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️⬛️⚫️